Because We Love Her

Friday, Aug 1st:

August 1st, 2008 Posted in Daily News Post

Chloe and Colin were to come home today from Dave and Ramona’s house, however, there was a surprise.  Jordan, their stepbrother from out of town, dropped by before going off to college.  The kids just adore him so they asked to stay until Sunday.   The ever accomodating Mama agreed.

The kids had a great visit with their grandparents and finished up the early stay with movies in the park.  Even with lots of popcorn and cotton candy Chloe did well.  My stomach would have complained a bit after that but hers was only a little bit agitated.  One more step forward. 

There is an eating diary being held so that the information can be given to the dietician on Monday.  It will be great if they step the continuous feeding down a bit more.  Chloe definitely wants her own food.  Anyone wanting to donate grazing foods to either household for her, while she’s wherever, is welcome to do so. 

Chloe continues with a pretty good quality of life and is doing all she can to bounce back from the surgery and long hospital visit.  The family is also doing all it can to regain some “normality” and get back into the necessities of the daily grind. 

So many people have stepped up and offered support and well wishes.  Everything that comes our way is sent from the heart.  At one point I felt I needed to bring up some suggestions of how to approach someone going through a catastrophic illness.  This was the result of some who just were unaware that what they said may just be taken or heard in a hurtful way.  It seemed to do well for quite awhile.   

Although Chloe is showing every sign of moving forward out of this ordeal, it’s still a very serious time, and will be for a long time to come.   

WARNING… WARNING…WARNING…. RON’S SUGGESTIONS FOLLOW…  YOU CAN BAIL OUT NOW IF YOU’D LIKE. 

In my past experience it was very helpful when people followed a simple to do or not to do list provided by our support group.  I’ll try to paraphrase it for you.  It may just make communicating your feelings a little easier in this and other situations. 

To Do:

  1. Feel free to treat your friends as you always have.  This is a time for you to act normal.  Normal is comfortable. Invite them to do things you would have done in the past.                                              
  2. “I can’t imagine what you are going through.”  (Even if you can.  It goes over better than “I can imagine what you’re going through.)
  3. “You have my full support.  Please let me know if I can do anything.”  (Only if you are sincere.)
  4. “You are doing a great job.”
  5. “I’d like to (fill in the blank)  for you.  When would be a good time to do this?”  Be specific about what you want to do for them.  Walk the dog, mow the lawn, clean a bathroom, etc.  It’s easier for them to say thank you than to ask, “can you do such and such for me.”
  6. Anonymous financial help is ALWAYS A BLESSING.
  7. “I’ll pray for you and see you all as Healthy, Happy and Whole.”
  8. “I believe in miracles and you are the type they are delivered to.”
  9.  “You are looking great!”  (Not if they are looking terrible though.)
  10. “Are you taking care of yourself?”  “Let me help by doing……” 

Not to do:

  1. Please don’t share your story.  It really doesn’t do anything to console.  The Uncle Harry stories don’t compare with this one, whatever this one might be.
  2. “I’m glad it’s you and not me” has to be at the top of this list.
  3. “I can imagine what you’re going through.”  (Good chance you can’t.)
  4. “I’m so glad my kids aren’t going through this” also is right up there in the no nos.
  5. Along that line of thought. “I don’t know what I’d do if my child ever had…..”
  6. “Let me know what I can do to help” is useless unless you truly mean it and can come through on your offer.  If you can’t help that is just as good.  Being support by being a good friend means a lot.
  7. “Everything happens for a reason” is not appropriate.  Don’t expect this line to go over well with someone going through the worst thing in his or her life. 
  8. “I’ll pray that whatever happens is for the highest good.”  Again…. What does this offer a person in a terrible situation?
  9. “Doctors don’t know anything.  They are just plain stupid.  You should do fill in the blank.”
  10. “I’ll tell you what causes this…”  (And Al Gore invented the internet….)
  11. “I have a cure for ….” 

Everyone knows what to do or not to do if they just think a minute before they speak.  This is one of the best pieces of advice we found.  Let the other person speak… then breath a few seconds… collect your own thoughts… and then respond appropriately.  They don’t require a rapid reply.  They aren’t going anyplace.  You will find that this will help so much better than if you accidentally say something and get a guarded look back after saying it.  Then you have to stumble around while you take your foot out of your mouth. 

If any of the things on the list hit home PLEASE don’t take offense.  Nothing is pointed at any individual and nobody is being blamed for saying anything out of line.  This is mearly a guide that I found helpful before and would be helpful to us now.

Again, you all have been so nice and supportive.  You have been a huge blessings to all of us going though this.  We hope you never forget your part and will be with us forever. 

Blessings,

Ron

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